DNA Tan

It hurts...

[PROLOGUE]
It took me a long while to decide if this entry should even be entered, as I am fully aware that there are many regular readers who are close to home and the consequences it may bring if my words were mis-interpreted. The story which binds this entry is what I consider a turning point since my embarkation as a mother. Some may find it extremely exaggerating since I was only made a mummy 26 months ago. However, if my words are carried across clearly, you may find that my mentality and attitude towards motherhood/mothering has been changed. For the better or worse? It will then be left for me to grope on.

Marriage is the union of 2 persons who love each other. That was a primitive concept which probably had a footnote gone missing. To fill in the missing paragraph, marriage is the journey of dilemmas that are intricately weaved into the family politics, in the hope that the love at first sight before saying I-Do is strong enough to brave through the storms. Danny and I weren't love at first sight. In fact, it took us more than half a decade to realise that we were what we have been searching. Deciding to marry each other wasn't difficult as we've gone through enough to know that the sparks between us was actually subtlely burning years ago. The idea of marrying my best confidante was an enticing idea, since he knew me so well, nothing would possible go wrong. Right? However, I did not forsee the the complexities that comes along when best friend is also hubby.

Grievances closely linked to family had to be watered down before I voice them out, better still if I were to just swollow and forget. It wasn't the usual family disputes that were superficial and unnecessary. Probably mine was, but Im too blinded by the love for my children to be clear-headed. I have always acknowledge the benefits of staying in an extended family as there will be lots of support and love for my children to grow up in. I still feel so. But when there're more to share the pie with, the portion handed to you will be much less than if you were to have to whole pie to yourself. I am fully aware that my infactuation with my children is coming to a stage where my world revolves around them and they dictate my moods, directions and even purpose for living. According to many whom Ive talked to, this is unhealthy parenthood. A colleague mentioned that I have to be stable, healthy and clear-headed person before I can function an additional role as a mother. True.

I was unable to imagine myself as a worthy person without picturing my children. Having them in my life injected a whole new meaning to staying alive (No, Im not suicidal). Little Donovan was the sweetest firstborn anyone could have. He'll hug, kiss and tell you he loves and misses you whenever you are at work. He'll leap into your arms and tear through the door to get to be near you. Really, I was busking in mothering joy since the first day I met him. However, all these underwent a huge paradigm shift and I was no longer the first person he runs to. It hurts to know that you are booted out. It hurts more to admit this fact. Yes, Im a jealous monster but given the same circumstance to anyone in my shoe, who wouldn't share the same sentiment?

Since the birth of Little Dominus, we had been consciously telling ourselves that we shall not show favouritism to either of them. But by parents' instincts, we tend to protect little Dominus more and would punish or scold Donovan if he was caught inflicting pain to the younger one. I guess all that added up to him assocciating us with scoldings and caning. Here, we face the dilemma of letting him go scot-free or disciplining him while he's still within grasp.

Finding myself being unable to detangle myself from this entire emotional web, I tried to convince myself that probably I should let go of my intensed feelings in order to hurt less. Using the analogy of property management, your hubby is a freehold property who'd stick to you for life whereas your children are leasehold property who'd leave you one day. Probably I should quit living in my own world and accept that there is more to life than just kids.